Where I'm at.
I haven't written a blog post in over three months. Writing isn't my forte so I try to stay away from it as much as possible. But one thing that therapists throughout my life have told me, is to write. Write how I'm feeling or what I wish I was feeling. Write about my struggles or what my favorite book at the moment is ( pst. it's "Blackfish City" by Sam J. Miller).
I guess I haven't blogged as much as I should have because my thoughts are always sporadic and I know people can be extremely cruel and judgmental. I also know that there are far more exciting bloggers than myself out there who I'm sure you'd rather be reading. That's okay, we can't be good at everything, so please my generation, stop trying. You're making those of us who want to focus on one passion, look bad, like we're lazy!
Back to the point of this, I suppose this blog post will let you guys know where I'm at, mentally and emotionally.
Here it goes.
I've been feeling extremely "numb" (for a lack of a better term) lately and I think I know why but maybe I truly don't. You know that saying, "love isn't everything", well I've tried to believe in it as much as possible. Despite the older Jacklyn being a cranky person, angry at the world because of her mental illness, she still believed in love being the saving grace.
And I think I'm at a point where I don't know if that's true anymore. It's not just romantic love, it's all types of love that I'm starting to question. Why is it that all of our lives we are fed this ideology that love conquers all? I'm sorry to burst your romantic hearts but it takes more than love to be happy.
After the unfortunate news of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain, people wanted to start taking about suicide. They wanted to show people the signs to "look" out for and let them know they are loved. I have done this as well and I know how important it is but it's also extremely surface level. LOVE isn't everything and if it were, don't you think celebrities like Chester Bennington or Robin Williams would still be here? These celebrities have "all" the love we "wish" to have, the fame, the money, the "support" and yet they are still hurting. They are still lost and afraid because they are HUMAN.
Reading the reports and even hearing from friends and family, a lot of people consider those who die by suicide, selfish. I'm sure this has to do with certain people's religious beliefs and to each their own but you cannot understand why someone felt that life was so unbearable and dark, that they decided to leave, unless you actually ask them. Suicide is NOT the easy way out, it takes a level of pain that most do not understand because they see some glimmer in hope, even in their darkest moments. Those who die by suicide don't see any hope and they try but it isn't as simple as seeing a therapist or taking medication. You wouldn't tell someone who has cancer that they didn't try hard because their bodies failed. With people who usually die by suicide, their brains fail them; look up information on serotonin and the neurotransmitters that give us our moods and feelings. I'm not a doctor and I know doctor jargon can be difficult to understand but research for yourself.
Anyhoo, I digress; I'm sure I'm "numb" because I'm starting to see that love isn't the saving grace that I thought it could be. You could be the most loved person in this world and still feel depressed, still feel lost and afraid. Love isn't that knight and shining amour we see in the movies that is usually depicted by a gorgeous man who comes into to your life and takes all of your worries away. What truly is the saving grace is taking care of yourself and I don't mean self care Sundays, though I do love a good bath with some Lush products and a book in my hand, I mean taking care of your thoughts, of your health. Being accountable for the human being that you are. Everything in this life is cause and effect and what you do will determine how you feel.
Take me for example, I used to have an extremely negative view on life, don't get me wrong I can still feel that way a lot but it took me falling into depression and having dangerous anxiety to see that something was wrong. I had to rewire my whole mind and how it felt about people, feelings and how it felt about myself. I'm not saying that all you need to do is look in the mirror and evaluate yourself and bam you're all better, I'm saying that you need to pay attention to all that you are and get to know yourself, even the "bad" parts.
I can't talk for anyone else but myself and my own experiences but figuring out what works for you and what doesn't, is important. I don't think love is everything because I see the pain it takes to keep surviving with a mental illness. I see the dedication it takes to take care of ones body, even when you hate it. I see the anger of wishing to be neuro-typical and not have to work so hard at being here.
I know a lot of people will consider that self love and I guess in a general sense it can be but to me, it's more and I think categorizing it as just self-love, is also dangerous. It takes away the power of waking up every morning and fighting the dark thoughts that lay within one's head. That's not love that's strength, that's POWER!
It's not a bad thing to realize love isn't everything but it is a shock and one that is making me question everything. Like why don't people like pickles and when will Kingdom Hearts III come out. I kid but really, I'm "numb" because now I have to understand what this body truly needs, what she has to work hard for. It's not just love because I love my body and my mind and all that I am and I know I am loved too, but it's this quiet understanding of "this is who I am, I either keep fighting to try to fit societies standards and get lost in my depression again or I make my own damn path and do what I need to do to be happy."
I wanted to end this by saying that you could have it all and not have anything. Or you could have nothing and have everything. When we die, we don't leave with our Mac books and Instagram accounts, unfortunately for me there will be no Starbucks for me wherever I go, so I need to focus on within. That can start with simple tasks as writing how you're feeling, taking photographs, even getting up in the morning and brushing your teeth. Everything should be celebrated because being alive is our gift. That beating of our heart is not a ticking time clock, it's a reminder of the change we can make.
I love you all and not just love, love. I truly believe in you all and if you need a smack of hope and realization that life can suck but it can also be beautiful, well I'm here.