February Update

I would like to apologize for my long absence on my blog. February was a difficult month for many reasons, mainly because I lost my grandmother a few days before my sister’s 6th year death anniversary. 

I’m not good with death, never have been. You can tell me till your blue, I know it is a part of life and we all will one day die. But what I dislike about death is not the inevitable of knowing we are going to go but how it takes the people we love away too quickly. My grandmother was old, she lived her life, so yes it was sad to get the news but I also understood that she lived quite a long life, not many people can say that. 

But when death took my oldest sister at the young age of 27, that is what I hated. I hate how people so young with so much more life to experience never get the chance or how young children develop cancer before they can even speak. I know I’m going to get people who will say “well that’s life and life isn’t fair” but why can’t it be? Why can’t life give people breaks?

I was really lost for a bit in February, I felt my irrational fear of death start to show its ugly face again and I was so scared to go through that stage of fear. I was trying my hardest to accept that I was scared but remind myself how strong I was to get out of it last time. And that reminds me, people think that strength is linear and just because you’ve dealt with a difficult situation before, you can do it again.

I’m not saying that we don't remember that we were capable of overcoming the situation but it isn’t always as easy when it comes back. I get angry at myself when an irrational fear of mine comes into my thoughts again. I get angry and fearful that this time I won’t get out of it. I know that strength isn’t linear because fears that I’ve overcome already, show up a few months later and remind me that I didn’t get over it. 

Strength is an in the moment type of emotion, not something that is there always. You have to fight everyday, every second to be strong and just because you’ve overcome something once, doesn't mean that it’s possible to do it again. I don’t know, I’m not trying to be negative because I do believe that if you want to overcome the obstacle again, you can but I believe you need to want to and understand that what worked before might not again.

As I get older, I realize that I’m going to be losing more people to death and I don’t want to accept that but it is the truth. No one ever prepares you for your 20s telling you that this is usually the time period when people you love start to die. So many of my acquaintances lost their grandparents at the same time I have lost mine. We all share that pain, that fear of knowing that it’ll keep happening more. 

I’ve never realized how imperative it is for me to speak about my vulnerabilities and my fears so much until I was accepted to do a Tedx talk this Tuesday.

I’ve been going through crazy emotions: first excitement because I’ve always wanted to do a Tedx talk and was denied the one in my city, then fear because writing isn't my forte and then anxiety because I’m so scared. 

I know I’m doing this not only for myself but for those that are too afraid to speak up. I want to show them that they are not alone and that it is possible to live a life with a mental illness. I just don’t want to mess this up and create a bigger taboo surrounding mental health. 

The other thing that has been causing me anxiety about this talk is that we cannot bring notes and I have to memorize my speech. One, I cannot memorize anything even if my life depended on it and two, I want to talk from my heart. I know I’m going to be stuttering and saying “um” and “like” a lot but I want it to be from the parts of my heart that will help others relate to me. 

 

I don’t want to let anyone down so I’m really nervous but I know this is important. Send positive vibes guys, I’m going to need it. After all of this is over, I promise I’m going to write more. Thank you for always believing in me. 

 

Until then,

Xoxo, Jacklyn