Today I got the email telling me that my talk was up on YouTube. I'm sure normally, excitement should have overcame me and I should have been excited to watch it. But the truth is, I didn't want to see it or tell others that it was even available online.
The truth is, I fucked up badly on my talk. There was so much that I wanted to say, that I should have said because I rehearsed it for three weeks. Over and over in my room, with my fiancé as my "audience", I knew what I needed to say and what I wanted the audience to feel. It was going to be easy because I would be speaking from my heart, something that is so difficult but necessary.
At least that's what everyone was telling me, that I "had it" and I "was going to do great!". I know they were trying to be helpful, making me feel more confident but it also made me worried that I wouldn't live up to the expectation that they had of me. I can talk so "easily" and carefree about living with my mental illness on social media but to actually have to memorize something that is ever changing and extremely critical about my existence, well, I crashed under the pressure.
This talk was suppose to be the pivotal moment in my life that I needed and I thought I could be that person to make others close their eyes and actually open their hearts.
And maybe, just because I was stuttering and suffocating on my own oxygen because of the anxiety that covered my body, maybe I did okay. I know I sound like I'm beating myself up and to a certain degree, I am but it's because I wanted to be the powerful person so many people see me as. I guess I can only wish for more opportunities like this Tedx talk to enable me to have a platform bigger than the one I have now to talk more deeply about living with a mental illness. I will forever be thankful for the experience to have even been on the stage telling my story. I am just 1 out of 5 people who are here, doing what they can to live life to their fullest capabilities.
Below is the video, as you all know, I'm extremely hesitate to post it but it's who I am in the moment of anxiety and fighting through it to spread awareness.