It's been too long since I've been on my blog. I don't have much content now a days to blog, or maybe I do but something inside of me just lost interests in it. I wanted to be like the avid bloggers I see on Instagram everyday, the ones that made blogging their full time job. But I don't know how to keep going, keep trying.
My anxiety started to get really bad at the end of June.I was dealing with a lot of pain in my head and the numbing of my left side. It was frightening to me, I thought, as well as my mother, that I was having a stroke or an aneurysm in my head. Fortunately, they found nothing and yet, I'm still suffering from really bad headaches.
Ever since then, I have been on high alert. Stressed is such an easy word to use to express ones overwhelmed state, but what I'm feeling is beyond stress. It's draining me, making me want to give up and just sleep. It's been about a whole month which happened to be my birthday month (July), that I was riding a never ending rollercoaster.
I don't know what is triggering all these irrational fears within me, or why it's happening now but I REALLY wish it would stop. I never wanted to be different, at least not like this.
I'm hoping that with me being open about my series of anxiety related attacks, and trying to live as positive as I can, that someone up there in the heavens can see that I need this to change. I know, I must not be making sense, but I'm really lost. I don't know what I can do, because I feel like I am trying them all. Nothing is working and the only thing that seems to make it all go away is the Xanax.
When I take that pill, I feel defeated, hurt and upset that I couldn't save myself. Not being in control of your own emotions makes you feel so hopeless that even the prettiest of days feels like the worst.
As much as I want to give up, I can't, not now or ever, only when I am taken with the lord himself. I feel that me going through this is for a reason, why?, I don't know, but what I do know is that there are others out there with me, who feel this way. And all I want to do is hug you all because I would NEVER EVER wish this upon anyone, NOT EVEN MY WORST ENEMY.
As much as this anxiety wants to isolate me and make me feel like there is no hope or end to it, I can't let it win because I know I am not alone. I know I have people who love me and are there for me. And I know there are a lot other people out there in the world who have no one, so let me be that person. I can understand and empathize with you, and I can also show you the strength that is living within you already. Because, yes we are different, our minds are powerful worlds that can either be beautiful or frightening but we are not crazy. We are powerful warriors, fighting everyday to see the beauty that this world has to give. Don't give up, I'm not. <3