Photographer & Mental Health Advocate
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Anxiety Awareness

Temporarily giving up

I find that as a society, giving up is never an option, or if it is, you're considered weak and you didn't really try. Because if you want something so much, you'd never give up right? I want to believe that to be true, but living with anxiety has taught me otherwise. Sometimes there are those days where giving up is the right thing to do for yourself. And I know, we all want to be strong, but who said giving up isn't being strong? It means that you've tried the best that you can and even then some. But I understand, I'd never want to give up either, so for now lets just call it temporarily giving up. 

Recently, I have temporarily given up on almost everything, fashion, photography, my blog, work and even family. I can't understand why I feel this way but I do. It is as if a dark cloud of sadness just decided to come and stay for the week over my head, clouding my judgement and emotions. It has made me want to sleep and never leave my bed. I rarely don't talk to people about it because of the stigma around giving up as stated above. Rather than I feel angry at myself for feeling this way, I'll be the one to admit it and say it is okay. 

I have always been a believer of everything happens for a reason but shit, it surely does get tiring. I also feel that I owe it to you guys who do suffer from anxiety to see that we all have our bad days, weeks etc. I promised I'd be honest regardless of what happens to me and talking about does leave a cloud of embarrassment lingering over me, and yet, it is also empowering. 

Yesterday, I fell down and I fell hard.  It was right after my Instagram post about being your own heroine too, oh the irony I face sometimes. But the overpowering sadness that was lingering for so long finally started to pour. And when it pours, it pours. To say I knew exactly why I was crying and feeling the way I was, is like asking why the sky is blue and not green. There is a science behind it but you just don't question it and rather than me trying to figure out all the problems and fight it, I temporarily gave up and let it engulf me. 

Usually when one allows their sadness to engulf them, there is a worry that one might lose themselves and each time something like this does happen to me, I do worry that I will lose myself. But I'd like to believe that I am a fighter and I feel that sometimes you do need to lay awake at night and think about those negative thoughts that are eating you up inside. Even if they do not make sense, just allow it to be because once that sun rises and turns the darkened sky into twilight, all those fears, stresses and pains need to disappear into the morning light. 

There you have it, I have temporarily given up and I am okay with that because if we can't be okay with the facts that we will fall down, then we are setting ourselves up for failure already. Do not pity me because I do not see this as weakness but as strength, building me up higher and stronger than ever before. I think it is somewhat magical when someone gives up and shows that vulnerable side to someone else and that person is amazed,not by your fears or failures but by the strength that is hidden behind those tears. Sometimes we can't see that, but others can and that is the magic. So I leave you all with some advice; to the anxiety sufferer, be okay with the facts that you will fall and fall hard. You will feel like everything is over and that nothing is important anymore, but boy are you wrong. The moment when everything feels like it is collapsing all around is the moment when you are the strongest. Let it fall, let it teach you and let it love you. You are stronger than you know and I am forever rooting you on. To the person who knows someone with anxiety; When they fall, try and remember than it is not weakness but strength, strength to admit defeat and show vulnerability. Do not take their fears so lightly because to them, those fears are so strong and overbearing. Comfort and realize that the way they view the world is not the same way as you but I know you can do it.  I leave  you with a poem in hopes that you all can find the beauty in temporarily giving up.

 

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life’s betrayals or have become shrivelled and closed from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it, or fade it, or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own; if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic, remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself. If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul. If you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty even when it is not pretty every day. And if you can source your own life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand at the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, ‘Yes.’

It doesn’t interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the centre of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.
— http://www.davidpbrown.co.uk/poetry/oriah-mountain-dreamer.html


Until then, 

xoxo Jacklyn