Lately, I've been in a fog of numbing emotions. It's like when you look at yourself for too long in the mirror, everything seems to just change, or not change at all, but you forget what you were actually doing. Your mind goes blank and all you are aware of at that moment is that you do not feel like you are there in the first place. There meaning here, on this Earth at that moment of time.
It must be so confusing what I am saying to you guys but it is in fact a thing, it happens to a lot of people who suffer from anxiety and it plays with your mind. It's called Depersonalization/derealization disorder. "Depersonalization disorder is marked by periods of feeling disconnected or detached from one's body and thoughts (depersonalization). The disorder is sometimes described as feeling like you are observing yourself from outside your body or like being in a dream. However, people with this disorder do not lose contact with reality; they realize that things are not as they appear. An episode of depersonalization can last anywhere from a few minutes to many years."
Fortunately, I only go through this when I am extremely stressed and under a lot of emotional confusion and I know that it is happening so I don't freak out as much as I would, which really helps the moments pass quickly. I don't know what causes it to happen, not many people do, but I do know that it is so surreal and matrix-like.
I feel that the only way I overcome the many obstacles I face because of my Anxiety disorder, is to give myself time. Time to reflect, to understand, to cope, to figure out the next time. Time for me is my friend or my enemy because this time can also spiral me back into a deeper fog and thus lead to all my hard work crumbling down for nothing. But I try to stay positive in all that I go through and deal with.
This does effect my everyday life and sometimes I wonder if I should just be prescribed something, especially on those really tough days, but I know there are so many others out there, like me, who are suffering and overcoming without medication. I also know there are many out there who are afraid to even speak up about dealing with a mental illness and if I am the only person they can relate too, I do not want them thinking medication is the only way. It is NOT the way, and I will NOT take it, for myself and for those who are lost and afraid. Give yourself time to understand what is really happening within your body, you are not mental as much as society tells you that you are.
It gets so hard to try and keep my thoughts in place when I'm dealing with depersonalization but I try to remember what truly matters to me, heart. My heart is my saving grace and yes that is figuratively and symbolically speaking. Symbolically, my heart is the strongest thing about me because it is filled with radiating love and light. That love and light is what helps me through these tough foggy emotionally unstable times. It reminds me that I am a powerful and kind person that can overcome anything that is put in my way. And I hope soon the light from my heart will take me out of this fog so that I can see the beauty that this world has to show me again. Until then,