To my fellow 24 year old, I envy you.
This is a post to the 24 year olds who are living their lives with no regrets. I envy you; I envy how you don't stress as much as I do or at least you don't show it. Here I am always worrying about where my next paycheck will come from and if I can work another day at the place that I'm at. I feel no passion therefore I tend to get bored and depressed easily. I wonder how you can easily work at a job which does not stimulate your mind and your heart and live life so peacefully. And I get that the bills won't pay themselves so that should be all the motivation I need but I'd be lying if I said that were true. I've always wanted more, yearned for more, fought for more but when it comes to working at a 9-5 that I feel no passion for, I just get so lost.
I also crave your desires to travel. I'm pretty certain that wanderlust bug never bit me because I'm pretty happy with where I'm at now. And when I tell you that, you look at me with disbelief because how could someone be perfectly happy with their home but you don't understand why home feels so amazing to me. It's comfort it's family it's knowing that I'm not alone. And it might not make sense but I do want to travel and see the wonders of the world, the different beautiful people and the cultures they live in, I am after all an Anthropologist and all of that is intriguing to me. And yet, my anxiety holds me back. I remember as a child being in a different place and feeling so much anxiety. It didn't feel safe and it was so unknown to me and I know a lot of that has to do with why I'm okay with being in my hometown. I want that desire you have, I truly do. I don't want to look back on my life thinking of music, foods, and views of different cities that I could have viewed but was too afraid too. I'm really trying not to live in fear but the news really does not help. How can you travel on that plane with no fear of death? 9/11 will always be a traumatic experience in my life. And I know I need to get over it but it's never that easy.
You also have so much confidence, how? Our society keeps throwing our generation to the ground saying we are entitled babies who have everything given to them and yet there you go, with your head held high proving them wrong. Even the way you walk is filled with so much reassurance in who you are. You know your beauty is skin deep and you smile even when the world can seem like hell on Earth. I catch myself having days like those but I wish they could be more consistent and less once in a blue moon. You don't know how hard it is to get up out of bed and start the day. Sometimes I wonder if, just like that wanderlust bug, that the confidence booster my fellow 24 year olds were given, had missed me by chance. And I'm not saying I don't love myself, because I do, it's just that sometimes I wonder if people compare beauty with confidence?
I can't quite explain how it feels to see you, living your life the way you do and how I yearn to be normal (for a lack of a better word). What I wouldn't give to just be able to have the chance to enjoy a holiday with family and friends and worry about my anxiety 24/7. Or to travel to places that I could never imagine existed and be okay with the uncertainty that live always brings. I wish to have confidence in who I am and what I am trying to do in this world. Yes, I really do envy you but not in the sense of hatred and jealously. I'm more nostalgic for the memories I have never made and the chances I could never take. Still, I'm going to fight and I'm going to find myself. I'm going to be you, my fellow 24 year old and live the life I've always dreamed of. Because I know I deserve to and my mental illness should not be the reason why I'm holding myself back, I know if anything, it should be my motivation. If I keep telling myself this, sooner than later, it will come true.