3 am thoughts on heartache.

It's a scientific fact that when we feel emotions it's from our mind, not our heart. But when I hurt, I definitely feel that my heart is breaking. Physically, my body hurts, my throat gets tight, my heart palpitates faster and breathing becomes hard. I can envision my heart being squeezed by my very body, trying to properly beat for me.

Now I know we all associate heartache with a break up but because I have a mental illness, each time I have an attack, my heart breaks; I feel as if I have failed myself, my family & fianc√©. I've been dealing with a lot of powerful anxiety clusters; that means that when one anxiety attack is done, another one comes a few seconds/minutes later. Having cluster attacks is mentally draining as well as physically. I feel the whole world crashing down on my little body and each time, I feel my poor heart break. 

I question to the heavens why me and if I had done something in my past life to deserve such an unbearable curse but of course, no answer. Every time my heart breaks with disappointment after having an attack, I wonder if my heart will ever be whole enough to survive. And then the thoughts run through my head " is this it?", "will today be the day my heart gives up?", but it doesn't. I'm still here writing this no reasoned post and I can feel that little heart, beating away with vigor and strength.

So thank you heart, for proving me wrong, that even with a broken heart, one can still love fully and live. I'll always be afraid that you'll one day give up on me because the anxiety, but I pray that'll never come.