Never Ending Battle
It's been too difficult lately to write about my feelings and I assume that is because every time I do talk about it, it makes my feelings more real than they are. You see that's the thing with anxiety, there will be moments when all seems well, like your anxiety is gone for good, but usually that's just a sign that all hell is about to break lose. I like to call my anxiety a series because they last like a show on T.V and each episode is similar in physical stress but are different in content. So for example my anxious thoughts have been about Space, time and regrets. Each day will differ between the thoughts but will consistently stress me out and cause anxiety attacks. You would think my body would know by now my triggers and how to overcome them but they don't.
I can't explain why my anxiety has not be under control lately but I do know that it physically, spiritually, and mentally drains me to my core. I ask God why me, why can't I be saved/help, why can't I be a normal person, but my begging for help and having answers to my questions are always left unanswered. You know there was a time I read an article on the internet where people said that if one believes in God then their anxious thoughts would disappear and they would be healed by his love. I really believed that, I believed that if I did good unto others and lived a life of goodness that I would be rid of this. I really wish people would stop saying things like that, it really upsets those of us who do have anxiety. We didn't wish for this and I'm pretty certain that most of the time we are all good people.
Sometimes I think this is the punishment from my past lives, the ones where I must have been an evil scientists or murderer that killed for their own enjoyment. Or that I must be cursed with a hex from a black(evil) witch. Whatever religion you believe in, I must be foredoomed to fail. And of course I know there is always science and genetics behind the reasons why I could possibly be this way but even then I feel like it won't help.
Have you ever had that thought of why we are here? What is the purpose, the point. Who truly created us, space, God, nothingness turning into something..? What about, what happens when we die? Do we just stop thinking and see nothing but darkness, the way it is when we pass out? Or do we actually go somewhere else, to another dimension, world, where all of our fears, pains, are gone? What about regretting the things you could have done, and I'm not talking about the normal " oh I really wished I did that or this, oh well." I'm talking about the type of regret that shakes you to your core and you second guess everything about your life? How you miss moments that could have been better or were so wonderful that you cry because you know they will NEVER happen again. You'll never been 13 again, 16, able to make mistakes and have people be okay with that fact because you're "young and naive".
I try to live in the moment as much as I can because I realize how important each moment is. I know that at any minute life can be taken away, yours or someone that you love. I don't ever want to live with that feeling of wishing I'd have said "I love you more" or smiled more. So I live really fucking hard. I feel so fucking much, I cry too many times and I say I love you to the people I love more than I should. It's a never ending battle of being thrown into the past or put into a world that can't be explain because of my anxiety disorder while trying to live in the moment as each day goes on.
This never ending battle is my life, and there are days I want to give up but I won't. Because of my heart, the love I have for myself, the people in my life and this world. Yes, I am a fucking scaredy cat and I worry about everything, but my god this world. How magical and frightening it is to be alive. How beautiful to have creatures that we can share this world with, how magical it is to see a miracle. And though there is so much negativity on the news and all around, I still believe that we all can see the beauty that is in our faces. It isn't easy though, becoming empathic is one of the most challenging things to do. It's to know that you will feel so damn much, and it will hurt but it will also open your eyes to the beauty. I see that beauty because of the people I love, and that is why I never give up this never ending battle, because when I have those moments of loneliness and wanting to give up, I realize I am not a lone. And if you're out there reading this and you have a mental illness or just feel blue, you are not alone.
P.S- here's a song to remind me that I am not alone. I hope it heals you the way it heals me with its words and tone. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A6qVMjJPo3s
Until next time,