Be selective, it's okay.

Stay away from the time wasters & energy takers
— by: me, (Not a poet lol)

You know what I really dislike with a passion, fake people. They are the ones who's agendas are tainted with falseness and only want to help themselves succeed. They find people who are looking for like-minded beings who want to work together to create movements and memories and use the other person's willingness to help as their way to the top.

I've had my fair share of these people and I can't lie, there was a time that I too was that like. Let's call them energy vampires because that's what they do, they suck all of your energy for themselves. Their words are laced with good intentions and they act like they genuinely care but they don't. In my personal opinion it's those who only ask for help and never give back, those who act like their lives are perfect when they're not and those who can easily replace you because they don't hold you at a high regard, those are the energy vampires.

I've recently talked to one and I should have trusted my gut to know this person's true intentions were just for their own worth but I believe in the goodness of people and decided to keep talking with this person. Needless to say, their true colors showed quickly and I knew that it wasn't the right fit for me. 

I know at times I may seem standoffish or antisocial but I truly want to connect with people and find like-minded beings. I also know better and see people for who they really are and I must say we are a selfish species. I'm alone most of the time because I am selective in who I want to share my energy with. I don't allow just anyone to come into my life and take what they want and leave, no not anymore. If I do find someone who is like that though, I always make sure I get something out of it too and then we end it like that. For example, if a photographer wanted to shoot me, there is a mutual exchange of energy. I am modeling for them and they are shooting my image, I'll be able to have photos to use for my social media and credit the photographer, a mutual exchange of energy from both of us. But if it's me shooting someone and they want to use my images and edit them their own way, then that's not a mutual change of energies. For one, that person picked you to shoot their images because they want your eye, that comes down to the shooting and the final product, plain and simple. If you're a photographer then you probably have had your faire share of people like this. I'm not saying they are "bad" people but they do not respect your energy. 

This goes for anything in life, not just photography. If you have a friend who only needs you when they need something, then that is not a proper exchange of energy. It's not always going to be easy to spot out the energy vampires in your life and it'll be even more challenging if you are the energy vampire but life is about give and take. So be selective with who you allow in your life, don't just assume everyone is here to be nice to you and help you throughout your journey, you'll be in for a rude awakening to see that only half are actually here to see you succeed. 

Being selective isn't an easy path, it's a lonely road to take and one where you will question if you're just being too picky. I'm forever questioning myself and why I'm so selective of the people I surround myself with that I find myself asking others if I seem pretentious or not. At the end of the day, I know who I want to surround myself with and I just need to believe in myself more. Believe in yourself and know it's okay to be selective. 

I recently read a perfectly explained blog from Denisse aka ThugNanny who wrote about not wanting to have coffee with people who just want to "pick your brain" and I absolutely agree with what she says, you need to "protect your magic" because there are people out there who will steal it all for themselves. Her post is a great read so make sure you also check hers out, No, I don't want to have coffee with you.

I know we're forced to believe that we have to be nice to everyone and you can be, you don't need to be rude to people who don't fit with you. It's just there is nothing wrong with also knowing who you want to surround yourself with, be selective, it's okay.

 

Until then,

xoxo Jacklyn 

The after effects

March 7th 2017, was the first time I've ever talked in front of a crowd of people about my mental illness. The whole month of February was excruciating for me because I was in anxiety mode, nervous for the TEDx talk and wanting to make sure that I would give it my all. Now that it is over, yes I am elated that my talk was successful but I am left feeling exhausted, drained and blank. 

No one ever talks about the moments before and after, as if the moment an anxiety attack is happening, is what is more important. But I can assure the before, all of that worrying and anxiety of having to wait,  is just as painful. Physically it made me eat less, my body was so tight and I barely slept. It also lowered my sex drive drastically. Those thoughts took over my everyday life but I was still able to keep moving forward to try and block out the fear of the talk. 

Now the after, that the talk is over, physically my body feels like I have been tossed and turned in a washing machine. I'm extremely tired and sleeping more than I have in awhile, kinda like a bear still in hibernation mode. I don't want to talk to people that much because I feel so sensitive and my mind is blank. What I mean by blank is that I feel numb like I'm just living my life and everything is moving faster than I am and I can't keep up.  I'm so happy the talk is done and I spoke what I felt to be true and honest but that doesn't mean I am protected from my illness. It is still with me and will always be with me. 

I guess, I wanted to write this post to tell people that if you are ever feeling drained and blank after a strenuous situation, that it's okay and normal or as normal as one can get. I think I beat myself up so much because everyone is making me feel like I should be relieved after the talk and happy for doing it. I am all of that but happiness isn't always equated to what we are taught happiness can ONLY be.  I am happy but I am also tired and stressed and wanting to hide in my bed for a few weeks. I also notice that my immunity dropped and I feel like I'm sick (though I also would love to blame mother nature for her crazy antics) with a cold. 

I just wanted to say, yes I am happy, yes I feel relieved for being so courageous to stand up in front of so many strangers and talk about my mental illness. But please let me just take everything in slowly, let my process of getting back to normal take its time. I know if I rush myself back into my everyday life, I will fall into more anxiety and negative thoughts. I know what I need to do so please trust that I am happy and proud but these after effects need to leave my body too. 

Until then, xoxo

Jacklyn 

February Update

I would like to apologize for my long absence on my blog. February was a difficult month for many reasons, mainly because I lost my grandmother a few days before my sister’s 6th year death anniversary. 

I’m not good with death, never have been. You can tell me till your blue, I know it is a part of life and we all will one day die. But what I dislike about death is not the inevitable of knowing we are going to go but how it takes the people we love away too quickly. My grandmother was old, she lived her life, so yes it was sad to get the news but I also understood that she lived quite a long life, not many people can say that. 

But when death took my oldest sister at the young age of 27, that is what I hated. I hate how people so young with so much more life to experience never get the chance or how young children develop cancer before they can even speak. I know I’m going to get people who will say “well that’s life and life isn’t fair” but why can’t it be? Why can’t life give people breaks?

I was really lost for a bit in February, I felt my irrational fear of death start to show its ugly face again and I was so scared to go through that stage of fear. I was trying my hardest to accept that I was scared but remind myself how strong I was to get out of it last time. And that reminds me, people think that strength is linear and just because you’ve dealt with a difficult situation before, you can do it again.

I’m not saying that we don't remember that we were capable of overcoming the situation but it isn’t always as easy when it comes back. I get angry at myself when an irrational fear of mine comes into my thoughts again. I get angry and fearful that this time I won’t get out of it. I know that strength isn’t linear because fears that I’ve overcome already, show up a few months later and remind me that I didn’t get over it. 

Strength is an in the moment type of emotion, not something that is there always. You have to fight everyday, every second to be strong and just because you’ve overcome something once, doesn't mean that it’s possible to do it again. I don’t know, I’m not trying to be negative because I do believe that if you want to overcome the obstacle again, you can but I believe you need to want to and understand that what worked before might not again.

As I get older, I realize that I’m going to be losing more people to death and I don’t want to accept that but it is the truth. No one ever prepares you for your 20s telling you that this is usually the time period when people you love start to die. So many of my acquaintances lost their grandparents at the same time I have lost mine. We all share that pain, that fear of knowing that it’ll keep happening more. 

I’ve never realized how imperative it is for me to speak about my vulnerabilities and my fears so much until I was accepted to do a Tedx talk this Tuesday.

I’ve been going through crazy emotions: first excitement because I’ve always wanted to do a Tedx talk and was denied the one in my city, then fear because writing isn't my forte and then anxiety because I’m so scared. 

I know I’m doing this not only for myself but for those that are too afraid to speak up. I want to show them that they are not alone and that it is possible to live a life with a mental illness. I just don’t want to mess this up and create a bigger taboo surrounding mental health. 

The other thing that has been causing me anxiety about this talk is that we cannot bring notes and I have to memorize my speech. One, I cannot memorize anything even if my life depended on it and two, I want to talk from my heart. I know I’m going to be stuttering and saying “um” and “like” a lot but I want it to be from the parts of my heart that will help others relate to me. 

 

I don’t want to let anyone down so I’m really nervous but I know this is important. Send positive vibes guys, I’m going to need it. After all of this is over, I promise I’m going to write more. Thank you for always believing in me. 

 

Until then,

Xoxo, Jacklyn

Where are you?

It's been a few weeks and you're nowhere to be found. 

I know enough to understand that you go through stages and sometimes you stay dormant for weeks, possibly even months on end.

But you, anxiety, are never really gone from me. 

I still worry that at any moment you'll come breaking down my defenses, destroy all of my progress and have me infant-like again, trying to figure you out. 

And I know that these past few weeks of being extremely sick has caused some anxiousness to flutter to the top of my mind but not enough to cause you, something that I am grateful for.

I'm scared that you'll come, like you always do, uninvited, unwanted when I'm at my highest high and remind me how easily all of that can be taken away.

People who don't have you, can never fathom the dismay I live with knowing that at any second, my happiness can be taken away.

I know people say "you are your own worst enemy" and I agree however, my worst enemy is not only myself but how I react to you, anxiety. 

People commend me all the time for being open and honest about you and I thought that would be all I needed to combat you, anxiety. But I need more; I need to keep talking even when my words don't make sense. 

I need to maintain my power over you, so I write. I know you'll be back soon, you're never far away from me because you are me. You are the frightened by life, loss of hope, overwhelmed part of me that exists. But I am the understanding, metaphysical being that believes in the power of love and kindness. 

So yes, I am afraid of you coming again anxiety, but I love you and accept you because you are me and I love me, all of me; even the parts that others would walk away from. I won't walk away from you, not now not ever.  Take your time, I don't miss you but know when you do come, I'll be open with love and acceptance.

To even exists.

It's been far too long, is that a good thing, I'm not so sure. 

But let's say it is. 

It's literally the last day of 2016 and here I am writing a goodbye. 

Goodbye to the year that has changed me for the better, I have done fantastic things that I'd never think I could do. I have broken out of my comfort zone more times than I can even remember. I'm not going to sit here and write on all that I've done, I think doing so makes me anxious to say goodbye to the year that has been kind to me. But I will say goodbye to me, the old me that will forever live in 2016.

Jack, it's been a long exhausting road to get where we are now. I mean thinking back from last year, we barely talked to anyone or did anything that was momentous. It shows how much we have actually changed in these 12 months. I was with you for every attack, every angry moment of hating who we are because of this disorder. And for every negative thought that ran through our mind, we pushed ourselves to find a positive one. 

I know it isn't easy, but we know by now that life's not suppose to be and I know you get tired, so overworked and overwhelmed with situations that other people could handle easily. But that doesn't make us any less inadequate or any less worthy of life. Just different, and different is all right. 

I mean being different doesn't seem like that awful anyway. Just look all the people we met in this year, hopefully we can learn names as fast as we can learn faces but that's what 2017 will be all about, haha! Each person, took the time to want to get to know us and figure out who we are and what we're about, that conveys so much.

Let us not forget that we are also doing more of what we love, photography. And I know, we will always consider ourselves an amateur, and that's okay, as long as we know there is extreme potential within us. Note to selves though, professional amateur has a pretty good ring to it. 

Our mama got better this year. We know she has so much more to go but seeing her view herself as the beautiful woman we knew she was all along, that is magic. Of course she steals all our clothes but we're okay with that. Our Goddess is back and that's all that truly matters.

He's growing up so quickly, our hearts cannot take it but it's a must. He is fourteen years old and we know we have had days were we have cried because we're scared for him. He's so very different, so very beautifully different and this world likes to feed off of that. But we need to believe and have faith in ourselves that he will be the young man we know he will. It's okay to cry in frustration because we cannot understand him, we love him and that's all there needs to be. 

Love, If we are sure about anything it is about love. We have never wavered from our beliefs on love and always take it in with arms wide open. Wow, we are still lovers of the world, of the people in our lives, our pups, just life in general. Not many people can say that. Let us never change that, okay?

We have to say goodbye Jack as you cannot come with me into the new year. But remember you'll always have a place in my heart and in my mind. You have saved me more than I know and I am forever grateful for the challenges we have gone through together. I love you more than you know and I'm so sorry I could be so unkind to you sometimes. I like to call those my human moments because let's be honest we're fucking aliens. We are not like everyone else and that's frightening because it can be so lonesome. But not to worry, I promise you and all the others before you that I will do right this year. A new regeneration, a stronger, more loving and powerful Jack for this New Year. 2016, you might have sucked to most people for the reasons we all know but you were a pretty amazing year to me, it was fantastic to be able to be alive, least we forget that's what truly matters in the end. 

To even exists, the biggest adventure and yet the only one we know. 

May we never lose our sense of wonder.

Our sense of beauty in the pain.

Love and love and love.

Love with tears,

love with smiles.

Find the light in the darkness.

Be the light. 

 

Bonne Année <3.

Until then,

Jacklyn

xoxo

 

Disorganized bummer

It's been quite some time since I've written about my anxiety on my page and for that I apologize. I sometimes get lost in my mind for weeks on end and cannot express myself in the ways that I'd like to. I'm not sure why that is but it feels like I've had my voice taken away and every time I try to write something down, it's a chaotic mess of thoughts with no point or end. Or maybe there are points and ends but they just are so entangled within each other that I'm just too tired to try and figure it out. 

I cannot deny that this election has also caused me much anxiety. America has voted for a tyrant whose values are as corrupt as Kurtz from the book "The Heart of Darkness." A man who will never acknowledge his errors and will instantly blame it on others. He will take us back 50 years if he takes the rights from, Mentally ill/Disabled people, LGBTQ, Women, Blacks, Muslims, Mexicans; basically anyone that is NOT a white man, away. And for the people in the back, I'm not going to argue about politics so kindly take a seat. This whole election has caused me great anxiety. I've always had control issues with engaging in acts that I am not familiar with, let alone what a racists, misogynistic person like Trump will do for our country. I'm sure, well now I am fully aware, that many are feeling the same way.

November 9th felt like a bad nightmare, I felt the sadness, the fear and the anger of the world; that's the horrible part of being so empathic, you feel A LOT. It was one of the strangest and yet comparable feelings to losing a loved one; I'm not sure why I could even fathom comparing this to losing a loved one because when my Grandpa died, my world did too. But everyone was careful with what they spoke about, many had somber thoughts and just looked listless, just like when my grandpa died. It brought back painful feelings and I wanted to run away from the pain but I couldn't. I believe in a divine plan and know that everything happens for a reason but it doesn't mean that these events, all of them around the world, do not frighten me.

I can already feel my mind trying to intertwine different thoughts and I'm not sure I can keep writing before I go off on a tangent. Guess this will always be the way my mind works, a disorganized library filled with books of everything and nothing, all at once. Funny how I think I have so much to say but can't ever write it down; I give writers a lot of credit for being so coordinated with their thoughts. But I think I know why writers are good, because they do not care what others think, to a certain extent at least. I on the other hand, feel sometimes that my anxiety is just a joke to people, like having anxiety is an easy way out of getting out of life. No matter how much I write and advocate, people will still say ignorant and people will still stigmatize me. 

Maybe this is the reason why I've stopped writing, because I'm so afraid that people will stop caring about me and the story I have to tell each and every time someone asks me, "What's a mental illness?". What if they don't care about me because I'm me but because of my story? What if they only look at me because they see someone who is so strong for being vocal about a taboo subject? I don't consider this courageous one bit because this is my reality, this is how I have to life my life. And this life has not been as difficult for me as it has for many others that I talk too. I just don't want people to think I'm a fake. 

I can't end this on a happy note, though I know many things I could write to bring the negative article full circle with positive thinking, but sometimes I just need to sit with these melancholy thoughts to remind myself why I started expressing myself so openly in the beginning. May we learn that without the negative, the positive can't ever be. 

 

Until then, 

xoxo Jacklyn. 

Never Ending Battle

It's been too difficult lately to write about my feelings and I assume that is because every time I do talk about it, it makes my feelings more real than they are. You see that's the thing with anxiety, there will be moments when all seems well, like your anxiety is gone for good, but usually that's just a sign that all hell is about to break lose. I like to call my anxiety a series because they last like a show on T.V and each episode is similar in physical stress but are different in content. So for example my anxious thoughts have been about Space, time and regrets. Each day will differ between the thoughts but will consistently  stress me out and cause anxiety attacks.  You would think my body would know by now my triggers and how to overcome them but they don't.

I can't explain why my anxiety has not be under control lately but I do know that it physically, spiritually, and mentally drains me to my core. I ask God why me, why can't I be saved/help, why can't I be a normal person, but my begging for help and having answers to my questions are always left unanswered. You know there was a time I read an article on the internet where people said that if one believes in God then their anxious thoughts would disappear and they would be healed by his love. I really believed that, I believed that if I did good unto others and lived a life of goodness that I would be rid of this. I really wish people would stop saying things like that, it really upsets those of us who do have anxiety. We didn't wish for this and I'm pretty certain that most of the time we are all good people.

Sometimes I think this is the punishment from my past lives, the ones where I must have been an evil scientists or murderer that killed for their own enjoyment. Or that I must be cursed with a hex from a black(evil) witch. Whatever religion you believe in, I must be foredoomed to fail. And of course I know there is always science and genetics behind the reasons why I could possibly be this way but even then I feel like it won't help.

Have you ever had that thought of why we are here? What is the purpose, the point. Who truly created us, space, God, nothingness turning into something..? What about, what happens when we die? Do we just stop thinking and see nothing but darkness, the way it is when we pass out? Or do we actually go somewhere else, to another dimension, world, where all of our fears, pains, are gone? What about regretting the things you could have done, and I'm not talking about the normal " oh I really wished I did that or this, oh well." I'm talking about the type of regret that shakes you to your core and you second guess everything about your life? How you miss moments that could have been better or were so wonderful that you cry because you know they will NEVER happen again. You'll never been 13 again, 16, able to make mistakes and have people be okay with that fact because you're "young and naive". 

I try to live in the moment as much as I can because I realize how important each moment is. I know that at any minute life can be taken away, yours or someone that you love. I don't ever want to live with that feeling of wishing I'd have said "I love you more" or smiled more. So I live really fucking hard. I  feel so fucking much, I cry too many times and I say I love you to the people I love more than I should. It's a never ending battle of being thrown into the past or put into a world that can't be explain because of my anxiety disorder while trying to live in the moment as each day goes on. 

This never ending battle is my life, and there are days I want to give up but I won't. Because of my heart, the love I have for myself, the people in my life and this world. Yes, I am a fucking scaredy cat and I worry about everything, but my god this world. How magical and frightening it is to be alive. How beautiful to have creatures that we can share this world with, how magical it is to see a miracle. And though there is so much negativity on the news and all around, I still believe that we all can see the beauty that is in our faces. It isn't easy though, becoming empathic is one of the most challenging things to do. It's to know that you will feel so damn much, and it will hurt but it will also open your eyes to the beauty. I see that beauty because of the people I love, and that is why I never give up this never ending battle, because when I have those moments of loneliness and wanting to give up, I realize I am not a lone. And if you're out there reading this and you have a mental illness or just feel blue, you are not alone.

P.S- here's a song to remind me that I am not alone. I hope it heals you the way it heals me with its words and tone. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A6qVMjJPo3s

 

Until next time, 

Xoxo Jacklyn

3 am thoughts on heartache.

It's a scientific fact that when we feel emotions it's from our mind, not our heart. But when I hurt, I definitely feel that my heart is breaking. Physically, my body hurts, my throat gets tight, my heart palpitates faster and breathing becomes hard. I can envision my heart being squeezed by my very body, trying to properly beat for me.

Now I know we all associate heartache with a break up but because I have a mental illness, each time I have an attack, my heart breaks; I feel as if I have failed myself, my family & fiancé. I've been dealing with a lot of powerful anxiety clusters; that means that when one anxiety attack is done, another one comes a few seconds/minutes later. Having cluster attacks is mentally draining as well as physically. I feel the whole world crashing down on my little body and each time, I feel my poor heart break. 

I question to the heavens why me and if I had done something in my past life to deserve such an unbearable curse but of course, no answer. Every time my heart breaks with disappointment after having an attack, I wonder if my heart will ever be whole enough to survive. And then the thoughts run through my head " is this it?", "will today be the day my heart gives up?", but it doesn't. I'm still here writing this no reasoned post and I can feel that little heart, beating away with vigor and strength.

So thank you heart, for proving me wrong, that even with a broken heart, one can still love fully and live. I'll always be afraid that you'll one day give up on me because the anxiety, but I pray that'll never come.